Caught in the Middle

By Dr. David A. Swift  

Can children of divorce love both of their parents without paying a price? Many children have told me they keep their feelings about their "away parent" secret. "It's hard to know what to say to Mom. She flips-out when I tell her how much I miss my Dad. She'll go into some rant about what a lousy father he is and how he never pays child support. I know he should pay child support, but that shouldn't give her permission to say bad things about him".

Slamming the ex is one of the most popular and damaging things divorced parents do to each other. Continued problems after divorce, and the anger that goes with it, are common. This anger can come from anywhere, and may be left over from the issues surrounding the marriage or divorce. Issues continue to mount, as does the anger and often parents start talking about each other.

It is important to remember that your anger toward your ex is yours, not the children's.Who gets caught in the middle? Ask most any child of divorce and they can accurately tell you about the quality of their parent's relationship. It is important to them, and they will listen closely for new or additional information about the relationship. They love both of you, and should not be made to suffer because of it. It can be very difficult to keep the negative issues away from the children, but it is possible to keep them out of the middle. The problem is many parents don't realize the damage they're doing or worse, don't even try.

The Ups and Downs of Step-Parenting

By Kari West

One evening, shortly after Richard and I married, he settled into his lounge chair to read - oblivious to my 14-year-old daughter's piercing scowl and clenched fist as she stomped into the bedroom. But he heard her words. Melanie flung her body face down onto my bed, muttering, "It's not fair, Mother! Richard is sitting where my dad is supposed to be. I'll never accept him - and don't expect me to either." I wondered if we were doomed from the start, while Richard wondered if his friends' advice had been right. "I'd wait to marry after her daughter is grown," one said. "I wouldn't get involved at all," another said. Against a backdrop of tension, non-acceptance, and few legal rights, this 42-year-old bachelor had committed to financially supporting and educating another man's child with unresolved issues hovering in each corner of our lives. As the son of an alcoholic father, his own childhood had left him cynical, untrusting and bitter. He doubted himself and his parenting skills, yet longed for a loving family and a peaceful home. Needless to say, Melanie's resentment bothered him and placed our new family in jeopardy. "I reminded myself that God had placed me in this new family because He wanted me there.”Looking back, I believe the wisest decision we ever made was discussing our relationship with a Christian psychologist three months before our engagement. For weeks we sifted through our expectations and our fears. Individually and as a couple we discovered we needed an attitude adjustment: Richard had to be No. 1 in my life, and I had to be No. 1 in his. I remember tears rolling down my face when I told Melanie, "Honey, Richard must come first in my life now. That doesn't mean I love you any less. I'm not rejecting you or leaving you. You are part of our family now. Richard is not trying to replace your dad. He wants to be your friend. All I ask is that you respect him." That commitment stabilized our relationship and supplied consistency to our co-parenting. Assured that he was No. 1 in my life, Richard knew he stood equal with me, so that together we could present a united front for the rough teen-rearing years ahead.